Thursday, February 13, 2014

Whatever that means

Some dumb descriptions I've seen and want to compile into a sort-of complaint. Not going to say what book they're from because I'm a good person. But I'll still put a little blurb about it afterwards.

"... he had abs of chiseled smoke." What? No, seriously, what? Not that it was a good story anyway (focused on a daughter of Artemis, who I'd like to point out is an eternal virgin), but that really takes the cake. And how do you chisel smoke, anyway? Isn't it a gas? Unless, of course, you managed to freeze it and then chisel it, but that's complicated and weird. And that would mean his abs were gray, wouldn't it? Creeeeeppyyyyy.

"... Percy mumbled boldly." How? This makes as much sense as My Immortal and "he mumbled loudly".

"His brows knitted into a question mark." Ow?

"... and his cheekbones were dangerously sharp." Okay, I get I shouldn't expect much from free kindle books, but really. Does he use them as weapons or something? I can picture it now- cheekbone fencing, the great sport of 2014.

"His husky voice was silky." Contradictions are not your friend, my friend. Also, remind me that I'm not actually supposed to read recommendations from people I only talk to about once a week. Glad it was free, but I so could have just found the Wikipedia article or something if I wanted to keep a decent conversation about the story.

"But where Rio stands at 6'0..." Whoa, we're measuring, now. You just met them, MC, do you whip out that tape measure on everyone you meet? You must be the life of the party.

"He stands at 6'1." Apparently she does.

"There was a very pregnant pause." I see this a lot, but mostly in the Harry Potter books. When the pause due? Oh, dear, I hope I can find something good for the baby shower.

"... his shoulders and arms seemed to be crafted by angels..." This isn't so odd on its own, but it was part of a description that also including calling his body mouthwatering and saying his collarbone protruded out of tan skin. The MC later deemed these thoughts 'impure'. I'm assuming she's a nun or something.

"He blushed a deep sanguine." That cannot be healthy. (For those who don't know, sanguine is roughly this color.)

One I see too much: "A single tear etched its way down [their] face." Ow. That tear must be really sharp, engraving on your face like that. Interestingly, the resulting scars are never mentioned. 

"The cold chilly air..." I'm not sure if the author just forgot that there was already an adjective in there or what. Perhaps "cold" was too cold and "chilly" wasn't cold enough. I'm not about to ask.

"... her hair, a silver-white blonde." It has it's own word, you know. Try sounding it out- plat-in-um bul-ond. Wow! Congrats! You win!

Anything along the lines of "sleep consumed me". You know, some people just go to sleep. No need to make it sound like sleep is some kind of bogeyman that eats you when you're tired.

Aaaaaand, as a parting treasure, I found this tagline and want to ask about it: "I'm hidden like a rainbow, yet you still can't find me..." I was given the suggestion it was sarcasm because rainbows are really big and flashy, but it seemed extremely serious. I just don't know.


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