How to be a YA Heroine

How to be a YA Heroine

(A semi-sarcastic guide)

(Obviously not all heroines are like this. Most are amazing and wonderful, but this is the stereotypical, overused heroine. We've all probably met her before.)

1. Be Completely Average

By average, we mean white, straight, cis, 100% physically and neurologically abled. Brown hair, green or brown eyes. You are the water, the white wall of society. Nothing special, nothing to notice. You may have up to one missing parent. If you choose to have both, don't mention them much. They're not important. They don't exist. Shhhhhh...

2. BUT- Don't be like the Other Girls 

The Other Girls, if you don't know them (you do, you're the only girl who isn't one of them), are a disgusting race of vapid, superficial cakefaced "girls". The wear skirts so short they could pass as- OMG- BELTS. Those revolting Other Girls. All they care about is boys. You are the only girl in the entire world that actually thinks about your grades or books. I mean, gosh, you drink TEA. Other Girls run entirely on Starbucks.

This is why you have so few friends. And those friends, well, they're just some of the better Other Girls. They don't matter much. You'd never waste page space with something as pointless as platonic relationships when you have HIM- but we'll get to that.

3. Have One to Two Diverse Friends

Obviously those evil PoC and/or LGBTQIAP+ people would KILL you if you didn't throw away some of the words you could describe HIM with to say 'Devon was gay'. So have one or two (no more) diverse friends. 

If your friend is a person of color: Describe them with phrases like 'coffee with lots of cream' or 'bronze'. This helps the reader to establish that they are objects or consumables, not actually important or human. Mention it once, ignore it later.

Saying your friend gets the ambiguous 'mocha' or 'coffee with lots of cream', do not actually elaborate as to their ethnicity. South Asian? Latina/o? West Pacific Islander? Who cares? You could have been describing HIM for all the words you took to vaguely state something about skin.

If your friend is LGBTQIAP+ (Just kidding, silly, it's only ever the G): They are white. First thing. You cannot be in two marginalized groups at once, that's common knowledge. They're guys, too. Only befriend sassy gay guys who wear scarves and talk with traditionally feminine characteristics of speech. This lets us know that they are gay. No straight man can wear a scarf, unless they use the magic chant to ward of its evils- "No homo no homo no homo no homo."

4. Meet HIM

The most pivotal part of any girl's life is meeting HIM (except those Other Girls- they're ugly, you hate them, and because of that they will never find love). He's perfect. He has abs. Did you see his eyes?! They're the color of a crisp autumn twilight sky with minimal cloud cover over a small town which has few artificial lights to cause light pollution. As soon as you see him, you know he's the one.

This isn't simple infatuation- oh, no- this is the rest of your life and plotline calling here. Waste no time to coo over how his face looks like it was carved by a Greek god, or how chiseled his jawline is. Before he speaks, have at least three paragraphs describing his eyes, two for his eyes, and one for the rest of his body.

His personality can be completely cardboard, all we need is your codependency with him. If he leaves to go to the bathroom, cry. Throw a fit. He LEFT you. It's not his fault, though. Nothing is his fault. He is perfect. He has perfect hair and teeth like a military cemetery. And when he smiled, you fell instantly in love.

5. Find Your Rival

She, however, is going to get in the way. By 'she', I mean the queen of the Other Girls. She has the laugh of a hyena and the proportions of a Barbie Doll. Also, she hates you. A lot. You may have been friends, but then over the summer she got hot and you stayed not.

She plans to steal your beloved Love Interest. Due to your and her love for him, you guys butt heads a lot. It's sad, though, because she only loves him for his body and you love him for his body and your freaky symbiotic relationship.

She is the scum of the Earth. Do not forget.

6. Assert Your Dominance

You are the most important person other than HIM in the book. You have to stay on top. You could, of course, achieve this by being a proactive character and having an interesting personality. But isn't just so much easier to make sure you're better than everyone else?

If you see a girl and call her pretty, point out a flaw that you don't have. Yeah, she looks nice, but her hair's a mess. You always brush your hair. Or maybe you don't. You're flawless, you don't have to. And them? They're funny, but their grades are terrible. Your grades are perfect. You are perfect. Only HE can be more perfect than you.

Even friends should be subjected to this. Wouldn't want to think that your confectionery-skinned buddy was prettier or nicer or smarter than you! Now that you've found HIM all your friends talk about how hot he is. You find this acceptable, but you still quietly chuckle about how boy crazy they are. You're not. Your boyfriend and you have just happened to join skins or whatever.

7. Throw Yourself in Harm's Way

While your readership no doubt cares about HIM and how you can kiss five times a paragraph, your story needs a bit of spicing up. Injuries are a perfect way to do that. Get hit by a car. Go into a coma for three days. Faint, wake up a week later, and sustain no serious brain damage or long-term health affects (like dying). Get MRSA! Spell it Mersa because, by golly, you can! Recover from Mersa. It only took two weeks or so, and neither of those weeks were covered in text or will ever be mentioned again. However, you bulked up the story by a chapter or two, so it was pretty good.

8. Learn How to Lie

No matter the genre, you're going to lie. A lot. And while it's nice that your family has absolutely zero sense of deception and will let you get away with anything, you've got to lie convincingly. Or non-convincingly. Maybe your voice squeaks and you shake and you sigh in relief as soon as they agree with whatever you said. They'll never notice.

Also, if you need to go someplace, just say you're going to the library. Doesn't matter that you're not going to come back with a book. You might "go" there every day and not once return with a book. Parents don't see this kind of thing.

9. Suddenly Remember the Plot

In the last forty pages, remember that you actually came here for a reason. Finish what you were doing. End with a kiss.

XOXOXO.

(Might do YA heroes next. Anyone catch the WTNV reference? I felt kind of bad about it, because WTNV has, like, romantic development and an interesting story to tell. And I compared it to Miss Heroine here. Oh well.)

~Corinne
 (Added because I can.)

A Few Things to Look Out For

So, this is just another complaint. I promise we'll have actual reviews soon. I'm almost done with about three different books. I'll get to it.

This is about the many follies you may, just may, want to avoid while writing.

1.  Every teen smokes and drinks

Listen up, because this is probably why teens are looked at so badly. Not because we all go on big drinking binges and scream at our parents, but because that's what we're advertised to do.

For some reason, YA authors are convinced that every teens drinks and/or smokes pot/crack (do you smoke that?)/cigarettes. Yes, in the real world, some people do that. Heck, I KNOW people who do that. There's a girl in the grade above me that constantly brags about stealing vodka and beer and tequila and (insert any other alcoholic beverage here). She also complains about having headaches all the time and also brings up her puking habits too, interestingly. But not everyone is her.

A lot of books talk about teens drinking very casually. No mention of straight edge people (high five to all my straight edgers out there), people who don't want to, Muslims, Mormons, and kids who don't like the idea of the possibility of a multi-thousand dollar fine over their head.

In some settings, this is kind of understandable (thank you to D.H. Scott on Figment for pointing this out to me). Maybe it's a run down,  crime filled place. Or maybe something traumatic happened and character X uses alcohol or drugs as a getaway. But this is rarely the case in YA.

2. Textbook minorities

This one will continue sarcastically. If I got all my information from YA, this is what I'd "know". Please do not take offense, as this is sarcasm,

~ If a guy is gay, then he is destined to act like a whiny little girl that calls everyone darling, honey, or some variation of that type of thing. He is overly concerned with fashion and hangs out with more girls that guys. He is extremely flamboyant and is horrible at anything athletic. Always.

~ If there's a lesbian, she is butch and macho and sarcastic and arrogant. She is never shown in an actual relationship.

~ If you're Latina or Latino, you are from Mexico. Only Mexico. Central and South America are hoaxes created by the government to keep us in line.

~ If you are African American, you have two choices. As a guy, you are butch and strong, you're probably on the football/basketball team. If you're a girl, you're sassy and probably give a bunch of advice on dating.

~ Native Americans are super wise, have no knowledge of contractions, and have some affinity with nature. Defining what tribe/community they are from is unnecessary. Unnecessary, I tell you!

~ Asians are a rare breed of extremely intelligent superhumans. Their lives revolve around being goody-goodies and getting A+s.

~ West/East Pacific Islanders don't exist. Guam is a lie.

~ Atheists are only ever atheists because something bad happened and they decided the world was too cruel and God couldn't exist, boo hooooo. Evolution, the Big Bang theory, and all other ways it's possible we don't need a god don't exist.

~ Jews are just Christians with Bat Mitzvahs and Bar Mitzvahs and celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas, right?

~ Muslims don't exist, silly. And is they do happen to appear, they say 'Allah' instead of 'God', though when speaking English, that is the name He is addressed by.

~ Buddhism and Hinduism are only practiced in Asia. Fiction is an Abrahamic-only club.

Now, before I punch a wall, onto...

3. Example characters

I didn't know what to call these guys, but here's basically how it works: if a character is not perfect/is a minority, they are used purely as a way for the author to say "Look! I'm okay with overweight/pimply/minority/etc. people! I included them in my story as minor, personality-less characters!" Usually has some textbook minorities in there.

Can also lead to a Gaysop's fable, in which we learn 'gays are people too!' in a really unnervingly in-your-face fashion. Because we didn't know that they are. Because all teenagers are homophobes. All of them, even the LGBTQ ones.

Or we can learn that you don't have to be beautiful (like the MC) to be a good person. Actually, you do. Because if you're fat, you're whiny, if you're not athletic, you have no social life. Because...

4. Teens only love each other based on looks

If you don't have dazzling/piercing/sparkling/deep/[poetic adjective] green eyes and smokn' hot abs, you are nothing. NOTHING.

Onto the more serious bit, these kind of romances frustrate me to no end. These are the reasons why I usually complain about romances in YA. Do the authors seriously think that the only reason we need to love is good looks? That the only kind of love is love at first sight? What about personality, friendship based relationships? The way love is portrayed in most YAs is unrealistic and grossly exaggerated.

Or maybe the descriptions are because of...

5. Minor teen dramas are blown up

This really didn't occur to me until a book I read about a month ago (I won't mention the title, since this is what I hate, and no need to be a jerk). I know high school dramas. Mean girls, gossip, romantic troubles, but YA authors don't seem to remember how it was back in the old days. Or maybe Nowhere, USA, just doesn't have enough people for it to be too big. Either way, a lot of small things go huge in YA.

Break ups- When I finally entered the great world of romance (read: my friends did, I watched), I was surprised how easy break ups could be. No screaming, no crying, no ice cream chugging, just the general rule of hush, hush when it came to the ex's name. And even that would be over in a month. Usually, we forget him pretty soon. The name drifts off to meaninglessness.

It's not too bad for guys, either, from what I can tell. From my observations of guys in school and my cousin at one point, it's no angsty, "oh, dear X" fit.

If someone is going to break up, it usually gets obvious. By the time they break up, you've probably steeled yourself because they've been giving you the cold shoulder. Or maybe we're just good at keeping quiet. Maybe we shouldn't listen to me, being a partner-less, never partnered person. You can listen to me about the next one, though.

Rumors- I have had more rumors than I can count swirl around me. It's natural. Usually, they're more laugh-worthy than anything and dissipate pretty quickly. We may not be tiny adults, but we're pretty darn good at sniffing out a lie. We've been raised in a world with not always true information (the Internet, each other), we know when to be skeptical and do some extra poking around. And since rumors are usually lies, they don't usually catch on unless they're really good.

Who loves who- You will not become a social pariah by dating X, X, or X, unless they're someone else's, in which a case you're doomed. Saying you aren't, though, we don't care. It's usually a quick laugh if you don't think it'll work, and then acceptance if it does. Or, if you're a friend or sibling, secretly plotting to get rid of your friend's/sibling's partner because they don't give you enough attention anymore.

New kid- I was a newbie to my school when I was in second grade, so I'm not sure what the feeling would be in my current grade, but I'll make some guesses based on what I've seen.

* Everyone tries to be your friend. They want another friend, and you're a blank slate.

* People are concerned with what you do and wear. First impressions really do count. The new girl that our class got last year was at first accepted and soon rejected because of her tendency to wear skin-tight, skimpy, barely-allowed-by-dress-code clothes. So I imagine clothes would be a major concern as the newbie.

* Usually newbies are sucked in by the eeeeeevviiiil popular crowd. How do they remain in power? They get a lot of people. How do they get new people? They warm up to the new kids.

* We get over your existence within a month. That's right. Even in my hometown of Nowhere, getting a new kid isn't that big. It's nice for the first couple days, but quickly you'll be brought into the flow. In a bigger town? I bet it would take a week.

The Popular Kids- Call them what you like, the Peacock girls (that name makes me laugh), the Populars, the Pops, we had the Sis Crew, they're the in your face popular kids. Except they usually aren't too in your face.

Yeah, they can be jerks. Huge jerks. Want-to-punch-them-in-the-face jerks. But they're actually a lot like bears. As long as you avoid them, they avoid you. (Now I'm thinking of a grizzly bear in hoop earrings and a miniskirt. It's kind of odd.)

No, sorry to burst your bubble, for the most part, they don't insult random people just for fun. If they did, they wouldn't be popular. Maybe they should be called the Rich Kids if they're doing that.

Yeah. Sorry. But I think knowing will make you a better author.

6. Teens think adults are idiots

Riiiiiight. We probably live with an adult or two. It would kind of suck if we thought they were completely ignorant/oblivious.

You see, from what I can tell, I don't know anyone who thinks their parent(s)/guardian(s) is/are complete morons. A bit bad with technology sometimes, yeah, but you'd be surprised how often adults actually understand teen dramas.

Here's some problems that I think really do need to be addressed.

- Listen. Seriously. I understand, we're not "old enough" to understand complex problems such as politics and human rights and... Oh, wait. Some of us are. 

We understand how the world works better than you may think. Otherwise programs like Future Problem Solvers wouldn't exist. But people disregard our opinion purely based on age. It wouldn't matter if we wrote a scholar-level persuasive essay on our views. It wouldn't matter. That's what I love about the Internet. You can talk about your views without being disregarded based on age, as long as you don't say how old you are.

- Needing to say the right thing all. The. Time. At least at my age, everyone is hypercritical about what you say. Say one thing wrong, and, bam, you lose everyone's trust. Without knowing why. Because people think we're old enough to always need to be right, without realizing we're just getting out of random thinking and just starting to figure out what we are and aren't allowed to say.

Be mature, don't bring up mature topics, stay young, don't act so immature, be responsible, we can't trust you.

- Be uniquely conformed. It's always stressed on me, and from what I can tell, my friends, that we need to be individuals. Individuals, to the standards of everyone else. Because the reason you're bullied is because you're so flamboyant. No, you lost your personality. No, stop being so weird. Be yourself, don't conform, conform, hush, hush.

So it's not "you just don't get me" all the time. There is so much more to it.

7. Txt Spk

... Not all of us talk like we're in a chatroom, and I'd prefer you didn't write like that. Because this is how it feels when you want to write your story "like a teen would":

OMG! It's like, whoa, this is a totally STUUPPPIIIIDDD way of writing. LOL! Omg, I can't even tell what it means, which totes sucks. Ugh, I feel stupid just reading this!

... No. No no no. Do NOT patronize me. All the capitalization instead of italicization, the acronyms, it's, OMG! HORRIBLE!

You know what also applies? Seeing a hot guy (*grumble* It's always a guy.) and saying something along the lines of "Time to drool", "drool", "drroooooooolll", or basically saying drool at all. Or saying parents are so stoooopiiiid in your book, as discussed above. It's not relatable, it's weird.

Don't patronize me.

8. All teens are hateful

Kiddies, not all of us are racist. Not all of us are homophobic. Not any more than adults, at least.

My school has two options when it comes to race- white, or Filipino. Did we go crazy when a kid from the Dominican Republic joined us? No. Because we don't care. Our life isn't based on thinking up racist jokes (though I do know a plethora of white jokes).

Okay, my school isn't a great example for anti-homophobia, considering I have classmates who use "gay" as an insult (as a reply, I always say "Ugh, you're so straight." It shuts them up.), but GSAs? Remember those? There are plenty of schools with them because the kids accept and join them.

And while my town also isn't a great example for religious diversity (the only type of building we have more of than churches is houses), not everywhere is like that. Unless you're in a really conservative town, you should be pretty good. Younger grades are more freakishly concerned with who you are because they only know how to parrot what their parent(s) say(s). At around tenth grade, things get better. People think for themselves. People will even change religions. So, not all of us are like that. Get over it.

A dandy little rant I had there. Now, I'll get to reviewing.

~Corinne